November 2012
1 post
16 tags
In the South, moonshining criminals are the good...
I’ve always wondered what it’s like to brew your own moonshine. It’s a universal art; go to any cottage in the Irish countryside and chances are you’ll find a poitín still that’s been in use since before Australia was a thing. Every country in the world has it’s own moonshining subculture, and at no time and place was this group more iconic than in...
October 2012
4 posts
12 tags
The entire series is a metaphor for the walking...
This is my first review of a zombie flick. Hurrah! Those of you who know me just spluttered in astonishment, but yes it did take me ten months. No, I don’t know why either. Maybe I’ve contracted the brainmelt.
Show me someone who doesn’t love zombie films. Such a person surely doesn’t exist (and if they do they must be an awful buzzkill). The point is, aside from Buzz...
16 tags
There's a reason you shouldn't stop for...
How many of you believe in aliens? I’m not talking about a reasonable belief in the possibility of life on other planets, I’m talking about UFO flying, people abducting, junk probing aliens. Maybe you’re one of those interestingpeople who think aliens built the pyramids, or that a flying saucer crashed in New Mexico and that’s where we’ve gotten all our technology....
13 tags
You probably remember the original... Or do you? -...
Imagine that one day you learned that your memories weren’t your own Now imagine, how confusing would that be when you realised that, if you can’t trust your memories, how can you be sure that your basis for not trusting them is a valid one? Ah, but then you have to be suspicious that you figured that out, but what if that ITSELF isn’t true? After a minor brain bleed and some...
11 tags
Not once did he read anyone their rights. Not...
We all know the feeling. It comes when the cyclist in front of you ignores the bicycle lane because she prefers the middle of the road. It comes when the asshole at the till throws your change on the counter instead of handing it to you (or, if you work at a till, some ignorant douche treats you like his monkey butler). It comes when you read any online discussion, about anything, ever.
...
September 2012
6 posts
13 tags
In case of bear trouble, dispatch tiny Scottish...
If you’re anything like me you get a little giddy whenever you hear about an upcoming Pixar film, like a kid who knows he’s going for ice cream (or, incidentally, a kid who knows he’s going to a Pixar film). I love Disney films, and I eagerly await their numerous releases every year. A release by Pixar, however, is a much less common occurrence. For the last decade or so, Pixar...
13 tags
The new documentary about Seth MacFarlane and his...
Everybody loves Seth MacFarlane. His massive success with Family Guy has made his pretty damn popular, and rightly so. Barring the recent stuff (which seems to be simply a collection of random occurrences with no structure whatsoever) Family Guy is damn funny. Ok, American Dad isn’t great, and The Cleveland Show is pretty horrible, but still. The point is, MacFarlane is a guy who knows...
12 tags
"Aliens? Few naggins, be grand" - 'Grabbers'...
I’m an Irishman, and proud of it. Not proud of the country, mind you, just proud that I’m from here. That’s an important distinction. Anyone who’s ever heard of this fair isle knows the stereotype; that we Irish are a rabble of drunken, fighty farmers who drink stout and whisky and swear about the English all day. They’d be right about half the time.
This is a...
11 tags
I don't know why Texas gets such a bad repu... oh...
Hired hitmen have been a staple of thrillers for a while now. Ever since man first decided he needed someone murdered but just didn’t have the will to get off his mammothskin couch, we’ve been hiring other folks to do our killin’ for us, and it makes for some pretty good cinema. So every now and then a film comes out about someone hiring an assassin, and the crazy hijinkery...
12 tags
Who better to save our planet than the men of...
Over the years we non-Americans learn a staggering amount of things about life in the United States, purely from TV and film. One of the myriad of strange things we’ve come to discover is the concept of life in American Suburbia. Here in Ireland we don’t have really small towns and suburbs, we have villages surrounded by farms, and farmers who speak something barely resembling...
23 tags
Alternatively titled 'Action Heroes 2: Return of...
*This review contains minor spoilers*
How many of you remember the ’80s? I don’t, c’mon I’m only 22. But I’m talking to all you old folks out there. From what I can tell, when you think of the 1980s you probably remember a decade of gunfights and catchphrases and things exploding for no reason whatsoever. Assuming you’re not yet suffering from senile...
August 2012
5 posts
14 tags
"This environmental awareness message was brought...
By now it’s pretty clear that humanity, as a whole, are doing things to Mother Earth that would make a Japanese pornographer pretty uncomfortable. Since the Industrial Revolution, we’ve been using basically everything we can find to fuel our glorious, all consuming march of progress. And for the most part things are going pretty well, unless you’re a tree, or a frog, or one of...
12 tags
Armageddon is a whole lot slower than you'd think...
For a long time we’ve had a fascination, in our books, films and video games, with the end of the world. We love Doomsday scenarios, and why shouldn’t we? It’s fascinating to contemplate what will happen when this crapsled of a civilisation comes to its end. What will happen in the days before Armageddon (or after it)? Most people agree there’ll probably be rapid social...
11 tags
You know we're overdoing it when we're hunting...
I’m not big on the whole “hunting” thing. I just don’t get it. I imagine I’d also be terrible at slaying any kind of beast (I’m frequently overpowered by my very small, very old dog). But unless you’re hunting to eat, or you’re the Predator, I just don’t understand the mentality of “Let’s go shoot stuff, that’ll make us...
18 tags
Ok but c'mon, how hard can parenting REALLY be? -...
Apparently the new thing in Hollywood is to cram every film with a metric fuck-ton of actors, and we’re seeing it more and more. In the case of Friends with Kids, the cast appears to be an SNL ensemble lifted directly from Bridesmaids (and also Megan Fox). That’s not an exaggeration; aside from the main duo, every one of the main cast had a part in the 2011 hit (apparently these are...
11 tags
It's like crossing 'Dexter' and MTV - 'American...
Some of the best films out there are adaptations of books. They can be difficult to get right, and often have varying results. Some are good, some are terrible. Some are nothing like they book but still manage to be great films. I don’t know which of the above categories American Psycho falls under, because I haven’t read Bret Easton Ellis’ psychological thriller. If...
July 2012
9 posts
10 tags
The worst people in the world, after Jersey Shore...
Let me begin by saying that I’m a simple guy. I don’t know a lot about fashion (my girlfriend will fervently attest to this); I loathe shopping, I keep my clothes until they’re ruined, and when I get dressed in the morning it’s a victory if I’ve got matching socks, and my pants on the right way.
What I do know about fashion leaves me, at best, profoundly...
17 tags
True to their word, it really does last five years...
Lately we’ve seen quite a few comedies revolving around the whole ‘marriage’ theme. What’s more, since the success of The Hangover in 2009, many films have gone with the wedding/pre-wedding idea and tried to capture that same hilariousness. Some, like Bridesmaids, did really well and were resounding successes. Most however have failed miserably (including The Hangover...
12 tags
"Dude I was just thinking about this film...
Question: How may of you have ever gone to see a psychic? Most people know at least one person who believes quite strongly in ESP and the supernatural. I have some pretty strong thoughts on it myself, and the argument can get pretty heated on both sides. For this reason, there are people whose job is to go around exposing psychics as frauds, and that right there is the plot of Red Lights.
Yep,...
25 tags
"Holy final film Batman, we're gonna be rich!" -...
It’s not very often that a trilogy comes along that raises the bar for all others after it. I’m not talking about trios here, like Pirates of the Caribbean or the three Toy Story films. The Toy Storys are some of my favourite films, but they’re not a trilogy; they’re three separate films. A true trilogy like The Lord of the Rings tells a single story. And when a truly...
15 tags
Hey, at least it wasn't made by Fox - 'The Amazing...
Ok ok ok, I know what some of you are thinking. “Another Spider-Man film? Here we go again, rebooting the cash cow for some more golden eggs. Stop beating that dead horse”. Apparently you’re all quite fond of proverbs. But that’s fine, the point is that you’re right.
Alright, quick Marvel history lesson: before Marvel Studios started making their own films (like...
10 tags
"Honestly, the things some people keep in these...
Think about all the crap you have that you don’t use. It might be the skateboard you got after playing your first Tony Hawk game, or that pile of clown bodies you never bothered getting rid of. Whatever it is, everybody has things that they hoard away somewhere, in their attics, basements, public lockers or storage units.
Of all the things people put into their storage unit, a...
30 tags
In this version of history, humans are the dumbest...
Last week in my Men in Black 3 review, I talked about the glut of sequels that the movie folk are churning out rather than taking a chance on something new. And while most of the time those sequels suck harder than a Dyson in a sex addict convention, I did, however, say that some of them are actually great. Cue Ice Age: Continental Drift. This is the fourth Ice Age film, and honestly I think...
18 tags
Proving that history can be fun, AND educational -...
Anyone who knows me can attest that I’m a bit of a film fiend. I just love the cinema. Naturally then, I’ve seen a lot of films in my time. But never, in all my years of filmwatchery, have I ever seen a man attack another man by swinging a horse at him. That kind of crazy has never touched my eyeballs. That is, until I saw Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
Now, I had some catching...
25 tags
George Lucas hates 'Star Wars' fans - 'Star Wars:...
*WARNING: This review probably contains spoilers. If, impossibly, you still don’t know what happens, tough. The film’s from 1977*
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
DAAA, duhduhduh, bumbumdumdumdumdumdum ahem *cough*
Sorry, every time I hear that score I get really excited and start bouncing around like a 4 year old. Mum always loved it.
Anyway the other day my...
June 2012
10 posts
16 tags
If you're not going to wear a suit to fight...
Hello everybody, and welcome to another installment of Inside Hollywood! Last time, Mr. Hollywood just couldn’t get over his creativity problems and fear of putting himself out there. Can he break the cycle this week, and produce something original?
No, no he can’t.
There’s no end in sight for this trend. Despite the fact that cinemas traditionally make more money during a...
12 tags
Big things have small, confusing beginnings -...
It’s been 33 years since the release of Alien, and for most people, it was a long concluded saga representing an iconic piece of sci-fi history. They’re great films, but well wrapped up. Except that that’s not true. Imagine my mindblowing excitement when, last year, I learned that a prequel to the 1979 classic was on the way. Even more amazing was the news that Ridley Scott was...
12 tags
Like 'Alien', but with more James Cameron -...
*This review contains minor spoilers for Alien (1979)*
You’re probably beginning to see a bit of a pattern here. In case it’s unclear, I’m a huge fan of the Alien franchise, and all things xenomorphy (and even though Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem was pretty abismal, I actually really like the first Alien vs. Predator film. Plus I have them both on DVD anyway *cue abuse from...
12 tags
In space, no one can hear me cry like a little...
I’m going to see Prometheus tomorrow (at the time of writing this intro). I’m very excited about it. Imagine my delight, then, that the next film on our top 100 list should be arguably Ridley Scott’s most iconic film, 1979’s sci-fi thriller Alien. It’s been 33 years since the xenomorphs first terrified viewers looking for some time to kill or a perfect date movie,...
10 tags
If you must go crazy, make sure it's at LEAST the...
Alright, a quick caveat: I’ve been putting off reviewing this film. It’s weird, and it’s downright difficult to figure out how I feel about it. The trouble is I’m getting a backlog of films, and it’ll piss me off if I don’t get them done, so here goes.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest is a film about a loonie bin. In 1963, Randle McMurphy (Jack...
10 tags
Liam Neeson vs. the Nazis - 'Schindler's List'...
It’s been a while since I’ve reviewed a film that wasn’t just out in the cinema. Normally I don’t bother with reviews for casual watching but I’ve decided to try it for a while, for a couple of reasons. The first is that my girlfriend and I have just begun working our way through her iPhone’s app’s Top 100 films of all time (or something like that) and I...
9 tags
"Came up with that one all by myself. Impressed?"...
Alright, let’s just get this out of the way. I review films; that’s what I do, and sometimes that work leads me to films like Piranha 3DD. Say what you will, but I am a professional [lies] and I conduct myself as such [lies]. That means I have to review something when it crosses my path [when will the lies end?]. Never mind that I didn’t see this film’s precursor, Piranha...
10 tags
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Give me abs." -...
If you aren’t familiar with the Brothers Grimm story of Snow White, then you probably had a miserable childhood. It may seem unwise to raise children on a story of scary witches, repeatedly attempted murder, poisoned fruit (shooting yourselves in the foot there parents), superificial life lessons and a QUESTIONABLE relationship with 7 dudes you’ve just met. However, in 1937 Disney...
9 tags
The key to fighting is screaming like a maniac -...
Japanese violence is the best violence.
That’s what I thought when I first saw the trailer for The Raid (The Raid: Redemption to you Americans). Well it turns out the film is actually Indonesian, and I’m an idiot.
In any case, learning this film is, in fact, not Japanese makes an awful lot of sense; it wasn’t as insanely, gruesomely violent as I had expected, and the story...
9 tags
Everyone in the 60s was high as f**k - Moonrise...
Wes Anderson is a cinematic genius.
That’s an odd thing for me to say, because Moonrise Kingdom is the first Anderson film I’ve seen, and because I usually have an instant distrust of anyone with floppy hair (including myself). But the fact remains that after watching his latest film, I find myself a converted Andersonist.
Moonrise Kingdom is set in 1965, on the fictional New...
May 2012
4 posts
11 tags
Still not the most entertaining foreign affairs -...
I think I’m getting old.
There was a time I could enjoy the most inane shit, when I would watch mindless muck on TV and thought Chuck Norris jokes were clever (be my soul eternally tarnished for it). Well it’s safe to say that’s no longer the case. I can’t just find anything funny any more, a realisation made brutally clear in a wave of awkward silence while I sat in the...
14 tags
Here's a hint: the answer isn't 'fun' - 'What to...
Rejoice peons! I have returned. It’s been a lengthy absence I know, due to my having college exams, starting a new job, quitting that job, finishing another job, and setting a new world record for the longest belly drum solo. But rest assured that the whole time I was away, I was thinking of you guys, and striving to find a way to churn out some more Pulitzer-worthy literature as soon as...
14 tags
Just like the first one, plus a decade of bitter,...
If you were born in the early-to-mid 80s, then the release of the first American Pie film in 1999 was probably aimed squarely at your grunge-loving, ridiculously dressed “whythefuckareyouwearingthatuglyasshat” teenage faces.
*sidenote* I was only 9 at the time (like a boss), so I don’t have firsthand experience, but when I picture 90s teens I imagine masses of kids dressed...
27 tags
That's great guys, but avenging is Plan B, right?...
Before I begin you should all be aware that this review is gonna be LOOOOOONG. Also, saturated with pictures, because there are so many great screenshots from this film. It took a while to even start writing, despite having seen it twice in the past week. It’s just such a huge movie, in so many ways, it’s difficult to even know where to start. But my capacity for timewasting should...
April 2012
9 posts
9 tags
Because space, that's why - 'Lockout' Review
Some films you see because it’s getting rave reviews and winning awards left, right and centre. Some you see because you saw a trailer and thought it looked worth a watch, or maybe you like the cast. Hell, maybe some of you even pick your films based on my reviews, you poor deluded fools. My motivation for seeing Lockout was simpler than all of that. I saw ‘jailbreak’ and ‘space’ in the same film...
10 tags
"Target everything, fire all the bullets!" -...
I would love to have been at the board meeting in Universal Studios the day that someone trying to get home early piped up with “Why don’t we make films about board games?”. Every single person must have been asleep, or dying, or hungover as balls that day, because total apathy is the only reason I can think of that would allow that idea to be approved. And approved it was. It led to Universal...
10 tags
*SPOILER* She totally lets go - 'Titanic' Review
It’s been a while since I did a film that wasn’t a new release, however a friend of mine recently suggested that they’d like a review of Titanic, and hey, I aim to please my readers. All (six, I’m guessing) of you. And this is gonna be a long one.
While Titanic has just been re-released in 3D, I’m not at all bothered trekking out to the cinema to watch it. The only difference that experience...
12 tags
This is what happens when you mix up your pills -...
Joss Whedon doesn’t do things by the book. Most people who make waves in the entertainment industry don’t. And while I never saw the appeal of shows like Buffy and Angel, I’m among countless others who recognise the incredibly brief run of Firefly as one of the greatest sci-fi shows ever made.
Whatever he works on, you can rest assured that Whedon’s work will always have a certain quality that’s...
7 tags
There's gotta be a pun in there somewhere... -...
Alright, so here’s the scenario. You see a trailer for a film. It’s got Sigourney Weaver, Bruce Willis and what looks like a fair amount of decent action. Seems pretty straightforward, right? That’s what I thought. And that’s where I was utterly, bewilderingly wrong.
Director Mabrouk El Mechri’s The Cold Light of Day tells the story of Will Shaw (played by Henry Cavill), a business owner...
10 tags
Because the pet shops are closed on Saturdays -...
Today is Easter Sunday (or Zombie Jesus Day, if you prefer), so this rant comes to you through the nausea of chocolate-gorged immobility. Enjoy.
We Bought a Zoo is a story about Benjamin Mee (played by Matt Damon), a widower who decides to build a new life for himself and his kids, and ends up buying the run down Rosemoor Wildlife Park, because why not?
No, those are literally the exact words he...
11 tags
Religion was far more interesting back in the day...
Anybody even remotely familiar with Greek mythology will know that it’s completely insane. The ancient Greeks gave the world science, mathematics, astronomy, philosophy, democracy and a whole rake of other useful things that end in Y. Despite all this, they had their shortcomings. Like medicine, for example. Greek medicine was pretty appalling. More to the point though is that their idea of...
13 tags
Next time on 'Man v. Food' - 'The Hunger Games'...
I like books. And because there are so many amazing stories out there, it’s no wonder so many become films. It’s not uncommon, but every now and then a film will be made about a wildly popular series and people will go apeshit to go and see it. It happened with Harry Potter (which I like), The Lord of the Rings (I love), and even, reprehensibly, The Twilight Saga (LOATHE entirely). The latest...
7 tags
Drug Smuggling for Dummies - 'Contraband' Review
Fun fact: When I first saw the poster for Contraband, it was one of those quick glances that often causes one to misread things. For a moment I thought the film was called Contrabang.
That probably would have been a very different film.
Anyway, it turns out the film is about smuggling. When a cocaine run gets disrupted by customs, the smuggler, Andy (Caleb Landry Jones), finds himself in debt to...
March 2012
7 posts
8 tags
Giving schools the most important lesson of all:...
This review starts with a surprise. Exciting, right? I know. Can you guess what it is? I doubt it. Ok, so do you really want to know? You do, I can tell. I’m very good at reading these things. Alright, I’ll stop teasing you. Are you ready? Ok, here it is:
Channing Tatum is really, really funny.
Seriously. Channing “No Personality” Tatum, the one-dimensional actor who has been boring as all hell...
8 tags
The armed forces have extra-curriculars too - 'Act...
Everybody knows the U.S. Navy SEALs. They are deployed for a range of purposes including hostage rescue, direct action, counter terrorism and special reconnaissance. Whatever all that means. I get most of this stuff from Wikipedia anyway.
Having been used extensively over the past decade in the ridiculously named ‘War on Terror’, the Navy’s Sea, Air and Land teams are so famous you’d have to have...
