If you were born in the early-to-mid 80s, then the release of the first American Pie film in 1999 was probably aimed squarely at your grunge-loving, ridiculously dressed “whythefuckareyouwearingthatuglyasshat” teenage faces.

*sidenote* I was only 9 at the time (like a boss), so I don’t have firsthand experience, but when I picture 90s teens I imagine masses of kids dressed like a greasy Nirvana tribute band, or the cast of Saved by the Bell. But I don’t discriminate, so I’ll try to put this review in words you’ll understand, or “dig”.

Anyway, as an awesome 2000s teen (we had Superbad, motherfuckers) I was probably a little below American Pie’s target audience, but I watched it a couple of years later and thought it was alright.

Fast forward to 2012. The American Pie series has racked up two more cinema releases, which did pretty well, followed by no fewer than four spin-off films that featured none of the original characters, went straight to DVD and by all accounts were about as funny as a venereal disease. But hey, this year is Universal’s 100th anniversary so they’re damn well going to celebrate their history.

American Pie: Reunion (or just American Reunion; try as I might I couldn’t find out why there were different names in Europe and the States) is the fourth main instalment of the series. We find all the original “crew” (am I saying that right?) several years after Jim and Michelle’s wedding, and everybody has gone their seperate ways and are living their adult lives. But when they all get together again for their 13 year high school reunion (because 13 is such a nice, round number), they find their group teenage antics aren’t quite over yet.

In order words, the dudes got triflin’ but they’re hooking up again for a wicked bad time.

Now it’s been a long time since I saw any of the other films in this series, but watching this one reminded me just how stupid kids are, because I remember American Pie seeming a lot more clever. Either way it seems like Reunion holds true to the style of its precursors. There’s virtually nothing clever about the film; the drama is mediocre at best and the jokes are the most base humour you can imagine. And I didn’t mind at all, because that’s the entire point.

Doubtless there are plenty of people slating this movie right now, but that’s ridiculous. In the history of the series these films have been consistent in what they are, so WHY would it change now? If you go to American Pie and don’t like it becuause it wasn’t Shawshank Redemption, then you frankly have no business critiquing anything.

All that is another way of saying that Reunion is exactly what you’d expect. There is virtually no plot at all, with the majority of the film comprised of random events in which the group get into plain crazy situations.

All the old characters return, including Tara Reid’s Vicky and Chris Klein’s Oz, both absent from the previous film. Everyone fills their roles well, without any spectacular performances. As expected, Seann William Scott is an outrageous Steve Stifler, and immediately makes it clear that he hasn’t lost his flair since his last outing in 2003.

The acting is decent. Despite the 9 years since American Pie: The Wedding, the cast seem to fall into their old characters with ease, and manage to adapt them to adulthood very well. It gives the film credence as a sequel, and we feel the familiarity of the franchise. That, and the fact that they all look really old now.

As we would expect from any American Pie film, the picture is filled-to-bursting with t’n’a. Hotties like Ali Cobrin and Katrina Bowden (who you should all know as 30 Rock’s Cerie) make the kind of appearance that sends the blood pressure of 13 year old boys so high they get nosebleeds.

There isn’t a whole lot else to say, the final chapter of the American Pie story is a typical outing for the series, and a great way to wrap up the franchise. While it could hardly be called an epic or lifechanging saga, there’s no denying its iconic status for an entire generation.

As long as you don’t go in like an asshole and expect a masterpiece, this is a really enjoyable film with some insane antics, plenty of eye candy and a whole lot of laughs.

In closing, some haters might be icing its grill, but American Pie: Reunion be MAD pimpin’ yo, so if that’s your dillio then go check it out, because that shiz is phat.

- Rob Ferris, 11/05/2012

Before I begin you should all be aware that this review is gonna be LOOOOOONG. Also, saturated with pictures, because there are so many great screenshots from this film. It took a while to even start writing, despite having seen it twice in the past week. It’s just such a huge movie, in so many ways, it’s difficult to even know where to start. But my capacity for timewasting should never be underestimated, and so I shall endeavour to do this movie justice with my words. My meagre, grunting, largely incoherent words.

Anyone who has been keeping up on Marvel’s streak of superhero films over the past few years will have been awaiting the release of The Avengers (Avengers Assemble in Ireland and the UK) with the same intensity that your dog watches you eat dinner: all-consuming, single minded focus that threatens to overload your tiny, furry body (and can occasionally make people very uncomfortable).

For those who aren’t familiar (seriously?), The Avengers is the long awaited adaptation of the Marvel comic book of the same name featuring the awesome superhero team. It’s an amalgamation of films from the franchise featuring the title characters from both Iron Man films, Thor, The Incredible Hulk and Captain America into one glorious hero soup. Along with Black Widow and Hawkeye, and under Nick Fury, this eclectic, formidable, improbably attractive group form the kickass superhero team, the Avengers. And they’re so, so awesome.

Oh, and before we start, there will be some spoilers here for those who haven’t seen the earlier Marvel films, but none for this one. They’re clearly marked but you really should go watch the films. They, too, are awesome.

*SPOILERS*

The Avengers begins shortly after Captain America has been removed from the ice, Thor has returned to Asgard and Tony Stark has finished with his latest episode of alcohol-fuelled insanity. The cosmic cube (called the Tesseract in this film) is being studied by S.H.I.E.L.D. as a potential energy source. But when Loki decides “Hey, that looks fun” and steals the cube, then the earth is suddenly placed in great danger, and Nick Fury has no choice but to call upon ‘Earth’s mightiest heroes’.

*SPOILERS END*

With so many big actors in one feature, so much past success and hype to live up to, a tradition of brilliant comic books to uphold and an enormous bill racked up, there are a million and one things that could have gone wrong with this film. They could have relied on special effects instead of good writing; they could have said “f**k the comic books” and gone all Michael Bay on it; the actors could have had each other murdered. In a venture as collossal as this there is so much potential for disaster and yet amazingly, impossibly, the film went off without a goddamn hitch. What emerged instead is a work of art.

For starters, let’s look at the plot. Far from relying only on the great cast or spectacular special effects to carry the film (I’m looking at you, Bay), the plot of The Avengers is really good. It’s a solid story that doesn’t require comic buffs to understand it but is worthy of the legacy Marvel created. The film is pretty long, but that’s a good thing as it allows time to get loads in. It manages to recap on what all our heroes have been up to and chronicles their coming together as a team. Their missions really are epic in proportion, and there’s nothing that leaves you feeling like it was underdone. They also do a really cool job showing the typical growing pains of a newly formed super team.

From the heroes meeting and learning to work together, to the battle to save the world, the film just sucks you in and keeps you there with a gripping plot, stunning special effects and a whole lot of laughs. We see a return of the humour present in the other Marvel movies, but here there’s enough for a whole team. Each character brings their own flair, and whether it’s wisecracking Tony Stark or Thor being hilariously godly, there are laughs in almost every scene. This film is hugely funny in a way that doesn’t compromise its action-packed core, so that even in the middle of the fray you could be laughing out loud too.

The attention to detail adds a huge amount to the experience. It seems like every little thing has been considered to give The Avengers a truly authentic feel. For example, Steve Rogers dresses like an old man, and frequently uses absurdly outdated terms. It would have been easy not to bother with that, but you notice these kinds of details and they make a difference.

One of the film’s most impressive achievements was its incorporation of Hawkeye and Black Widow. Both regular old S.H.I.E.L.D. agents (relatively speaking), neither has had their own film, and lack both the established lore and the fantastic superpowers of the rest of the team. Despite this, they are quickly made into integral characters, and they come off just as badass as their teammates. Props to the crew for managing to take lesser characters and build them up so well among the heavy hitters.

This film has a hell of a lot going for it, but arguably the biggest challenge was always going to be taking the big names from so many films and putting them together. As it turned out, we’re treated to some of the most entertaining performances of the year. Doubtless a result of both the directorship of Joss Whedon (who else?) and the professionalism of all the actors involved, the cast comes together flawlessly. Each and every actor does a fantastic job working in an ensemble cast, and yet still shines individually. It’s phenomenal to watch.

Chris Evans reprises his role as Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America. A soldier from a different era, Rogers is completely unfamiliar with today’s technology, dress, or even pop culture references. Despite this he is ever eagre to serve his country, and never shies from a fight. Evans has the role nailed, and he is totally believable as the old fashioned patriot. He manages a great embodiment of the Captain as a kickass super soldier, but is neither arrogant nor menacing. He’s a paragon of old school class and charm, and he’s just really freaking cool.

Scarlett Johansson plays the Black Widow, Natasha Romanov (Natalia in some comics). The character was introduced in Iron Man 2, and we see her again with a shorter haircut and more asskickery. Highly skilled in espionage and close combat, Romanov has a dark past she is trying to make up for. She is portrayed as the group’s femme fatale, and pries information from enemies in hilarious ways. Johansson is excellent, and she manages to pull off both the beguiling seductress and the deadly spy. Plus, along with Cobie Smulders who plays Agent Maria Hill (also really good), Johansson is the film’s guy-candy, looking damn sexy throughout.

And I’m allowed say that without getting in trouble with the misses, the ladies will get more than enough eye candy themselves with this film’s absurdly handsome male cast. #notgayjustsaying

Jeremy Renner plays Clint Barton, A.K.A. Hawkeye, a man with a penchant for impossible marksmanship and who thinks guns are for wimps. Like Widow, Hawkeye had no film of his own, making only an Easter egg appearance in Thor (causing me to freak out in my seat). He has a close relationship with Natasha Romanov (well played sir) and has a quiver of arrows with an array of staggeringly dangerous tips. Also, he’s better at shooting than most people are at feeding themselves, and provides action so impressive it would make Legolas hang his head in shame.

Chris Hemsworth returns as Thor, which is fantastic. Anyone who saw Thor last year will be familiar with Hemsworth’s representation, and it’s both formidable and funny. Hemsworth brings that same indomitability to The Avengers and we’re treated to more hammer swinging Norse epicosity. Though apparently a little skinnier, he is no less entertaining. There is more cool lingo, funny interactions and plenty of the enormous Thor confidence we know and love. He’s like the Kanye of Asgard, and it’s just brilliant.

Mark Ruffalo steps in to play Bruce Banner, after Disney’s inexplicably dick move in ditching Ed Norton. While I still would love to have seen Norton reprise his role, I have to admit that Ruffalo, against all my expectations, did a really good job. He was funny and capable, and held his own among an established cast. While he doesn’t show the inner turmoil Banner feels nearly as well as Norton did, he carries himself in a way that lends itself to a particular style of humour uncharacteristic of Norton. He also plays the Hulk himself, as opposed to earlier films which relied solely on CGI.

Also, fun fact: in the kind of nod to its roots that Marvel (and I) love so much, the Hulk itself is voiced by none other than Lou Ferrigno, which is pretty cool too.

Robert Downey Junior returns as the charismatic billionaire Tony Stark, none other than Iron Man. The two Iron Man films were undoubtedly the most successful of the franchise, due mainly to RDJ’s outstanding performances as the wisecracking antihero. He returns to The Avengers with the same flair, the same charisma and the same swagger we all love. In many ways he leads the cast, and dominates whenever he is on screen, yet he manages to retain these qualties while not dominating the film itself. We still see the best that the rest of  the cast have to offer, and he works exceptionally well with his fellow castmembers. RDJ seems born to play Iron Man and he is utterly brilliant in this latest installment.

Samuel L. Jackson makes a fantastic Nick Fury, and Tom Hiddleston, who returns as Loki, is flawless. Clark Gregg reprises his supporting role as Agent Coleson, and he brings his A-game. In fact, every actor we see on screen gives a huge performance, and the result is a film so well portrayed it becomes completely immersive.

From the cast to the plot, the special effects to the dialogue to the action, absolutely everything about this film is a spectacle. It’s an epic superhero film that will get your heart racing, make you laugh and take you on one hell of a ride. Honestly, if you’re thinking of heading to the cinema tonight, go see The Avengers. Nothing else that’s out right now even comes close. I’m already planning on going at least twice more.

- Rob Ferris, 03/05/2012

Some films you see because it’s getting rave reviews and winning awards left, right and centre. Some you see because you saw a trailer and thought it looked worth a watch, or maybe you like the cast. Hell, maybe some of you even pick your films based on my reviews, you poor deluded fools. My motivation for seeing Lockout was simpler than all of that. I saw ‘jailbreak’ and ‘space’ in the same film and I was good to go. It’s a reasoning I suspect I share with quite a few guys out there.

Before I sat down in my seat I could tell you literally nothing else about the film. Which is a good thing really. It means you have no preconceptions, and that’s a rare opportunity when seeing a film.

Lockout is set in MS One, a high-tech maximum security prison where the world’s worst prisoners serve their sentences in stasis. To me that seems like an odd way for a prison to be run; it’s neither rehabilitating nor punitive, but rather suggests that MS One’s sole purpose is to keep these people out of the way. Oh, and as I already mentioned, it’s a space prison. It’s a prison, and it’s in space.

When a silly man breaks security protocol by doing something silly, it results in all of MS One’s prisoners waking up and promptly deciding that having them all encapsulated was not cool. Emilie, daughter of the United States President, is on MS One at the time of the jailbreak for some completely plausable reason. When the president learns his daughter is caught up in the most colossal prison f**k up since somebody decided the soap should come in bars instead of bottles, it falls to Snow, an ex-CIA operative trying to clear his name, to rescue her.

From the space prison.

Guy Pearce plays Snow. Framed for espionage and the murder of a CIA agent, Snow was scheduled for a trip to MS One himself. Despite being offered a chance at redemption, he is about as thrilled with the mission as you’d expect. Pearce is outstanding. He plays the wisecracking tough guy role to a T, and is hugely entertaining and riotously funny. Whoever wrote Snow’s lines deserves a promotion, because he manages a witticism in nearly every sentence he speaks, and each one is funnier than the last.

The rest of the cast do a fine job. The gorgeous Maggie Grace plays Emilie, and she plays her part well. She also cuts her hair at one point, which is awesome (what is it about girls with short hair?). The film’s main villain is played by Vincent Regan, who is totally convincing as a highly intelligent and extremely dangerous sociopath (he’s Scottish, obviously). Lennie James is just as convincing playing Shaw, a CIA agent trying to help Snow clear his name. Finally, Peter Stormare does an excellent job playing Langral, an agent hell bent on seeing Snow put away for his crimes. We’re meant to loathe Langral as the film progresses, and Stormare does a great job with his character. Although admittedly I couldn’t help constantly remembering him from my childhood favourite The Lost World: Jurassic Park.

The plot has all the required tension and action. I was disappointed by what felt like a shortage of shootouts, and at times the scenes with Snow and Emilie began to feel like ‘the same old rescue story’, but there was plenty to take in and the decent story will definitely keep you guessing until the very end.

A film about a space jail will naturally require some decent special effects. Lockout doesn’t disappoint, and although scenes requiring the use of a lot of CGI are limited, they are very well presented and blend flawlessly into the film.

There’s not much else to say really, as I’m kinda half-assing this review between studying for exams (how cool am I?). Lockout is a solid film with a good cast and a fun storyline. It’s far from sci-fi at its finest, but if you’re looking for some good action with tension and a lot of great humour, you can’t go wrong.

- Rob Ferris, 28/04/2012

I would love to have been at the board meeting in Universal Studios the day that someone trying to get home early piped up with “Why don’t we make films about board games?”. Every single person must have been asleep, or dying, or hungover as balls that day, because total apathy is the only reason I can think of that would allow that idea to be approved. And approved it was. It led to Universal signing a huge film rights deal with Hasbro.

The movie execs apparently later recovered from their comas and gave a collective “oh fuuuuuuuuuck”, because Universal have since cancelled their Hasbro contract, at a cost that would make the Monopoly man lose his mind.

Only one film emerged from this whole bizarre pairing. That film was Battleship, and against all laws of common sense, it’s absolutely amazing.

After seeing the trailer for Battleship, I was astounded to learn that it is not, in fact, directed by Michael Bay. After watching the actual film, I’m not sure if that feeling is mitigated or enforced. On the one hand, the majority of the film is exactly the kind of high octane action that constitutes Bay’s wet dream. The machines even look like Transformers! A lot! The difference, however, between Battleship and any of Bay’s recent work is that action isn’t the only thing it has going for it. You can watch the non-fighty bits without the urge to challenge the guy beside you to a death match, just to make the film dialogue bearable.

And if you think I’m being harsh on Michael Bay, then you’re just plain wrong, you big dumb idiot. This is the man who once directed both Bad Boys films, and produced Armageddon. Nowadays he’s giving us swill like the last two Transformers films, and has somehow come to the unfathomable conclusion that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be better as freaking aliens.

So I think I’m being pretty kind, all things considered.

But rant over, down to business. Battleship is set in Hawaii, during an international naval gathering. In the mean time, a SETI-type project aimed at a known Goldilocks planet is well underway. When the reply comes, however, it’s less “We come in peace” and more ‘that guy at the party who nobody knows and ends up wrecking the place’. Which is actually understandable when you consider that the message is sent in the form of an enormous goddamn LASER. It falls to Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch) to command a vessel to combat the aliens and save the world.

At first glance, we’re doomed.

But it turns out this film is full of surprises, Kitsch chief among them. He’s actually really good in this film. He seems excellently suited to the role of Hopper (he’s certainly improved since John Carter), and is a convincing(ish) action hero who is very funny. He’s got the typical, slightly goofy style of entertaining given to basically any pretty-boy action protagonist ever. That’s not to say he’s suddenly Bruce Willis, but he’s better than I expected and does a good job with this film.

It’s worth mentioning that Rihanna is one of the actors. In a twist that’s about as unexpected as Kitsch finding a reason to take his shirt off, Rihanna plays the vaguely Latin, spunky weapons specialist who don’t take no crap from nobody. She’s basically Michelle Rodriguez, Mark II. She’s actually not bad, just unnecessary. The film would have been just fine without her.

As far as I can tell, Liam Neeson is really only featured to add a big name to the title. As Admiral of the fleet, and father of Hopper’s love interest, he has a surprisingly insignificant role. He only appears for a few short scenes, but even then Neeson is believable and entertaining. He is excellent, even in such a small part.

It’s probably due to the fact that he’s actually got his daughter in this flick, so there’s no need for a bloody rampage against the bad guys. It’s just as well, otherwise the film would have been way shorter.

The aliens themselves are weird. Suspiciously humanoid, the best I can say without detailing too much is that they resemble the thing on a seafood platter that nobody can tell you the name of, but you’re pretty sure is poisonous.

But that’s boring. The space gadgets are what are really interesting. These aliens traverse the gulf of space in less time than physics say is possible, and create massive energy shields the size of small countries, but for some reason they don’t shield their ships, and still rely on projectile weapons. Hey, it allows for some bitchin’ missile fights.

The baddies walk around in awesome armour, complete with a friend-or-foe HUD, which incidentally they rely on to a fault. For an intelligent race who has apparently mastered interstellar travel, they have such poor situational awareness that if a guy drops his gun, the HUD goes green and they leave him alone. My dog has more combat sense than that.

From the suits to the weapons to the ships, the special effects are outstanding. The incredible realism of a baddie’s armour gives me hope for the day when a Halo film gets unsuspended. There are spectacular naval battles and up-close firefights, and every detail is sleek and shiny and realistic. Some innovative shooting and frankly ridiculous action scenes will have you going ballistic in your seat. That, combined with a rock ‘n’ roll soundtrack featuring the likes of AC/DC and Tom Morello keeps the adrenaline pumping from start to finish.

The film has to be taken for what it is; an insane adaptation of a board game, designed to make money. It’s not filmmaking at its finest, and some parts are so ridiculous that they’d be laughable if they weren’t so damn cool. At one point the good guys are ACTUALLY PLAYING BATTLESHIP to try and destroy their targets. I shan’t say any more and spoil the surprise but rest assured it’s bonkers. And somehow it actually works.

What it boils down to is a film about the game Battleship. There is no logical reason for this film to be anything but awful, and yet it’s one of the most fantastic things I’ve watched all year. There are some great movies lined up for this year, but whatever else comes out I’ll be able to say that Battleship was among the most enjoyable.

It’s a shame the Universal-Hasbro deal fell through. I was looking forward to the blockbuster epic Snakes and Ladders.

- Rob Ferris, 21/04/2012

Afternote: Congratulations to the St. Mary’s College R.F.C. first squad who won the All-Ireland League today. Go on the boys in blue!

It’s been a while since I did a film that wasn’t a new release, however a friend of mine recently suggested that they’d like a review of Titanic, and hey, I aim to please my readers. All (six, I’m guessing) of you. And this is gonna be a long one.

While Titanic has just been re-released in 3D, I’m not at all bothered trekking out to the cinema to watch it. The only difference that experience could possibly offer me over the original is the prospect of 3D badonkadonks, and to be perfectly frank if I were to use that as a reason I’d require a more substantial pair than Kate Winslet’s.

Unfortunately I haven’t seen the film in a very long time, and reviewing requires me to watch it again. Even more unfortunately is the fact that it’s over three freaking hours long.

So Bundy, I hope you god damn appreciate this.

Anyway, before I begin I should let you all know that I’m not going to bother avoiding plot details. Titanic is the second highest grossing film of all time; the numbers say that if you don’t already know what happens you don’t have many conversations and have probably never been outside, ever. Also, the film is 15 years old. There’s a statute of limitations on how long you get say “no spoilers, I haven’t seen it yet!” and not be slapped in the face. Well guess what:

*SPOILER ALERT*

The boat fucking sinks.

In truth, most of my opinions on this film have already been summed up by funnier men than I here, here and here, so expect overlap. I’ll try, however, to outline them as best I can without ripping anybody off.

Oh, and on a side note, if you want your daily dose of despairing over the stupidity of the world’s youth, check Twitter for just how many people were unaware that the Titanic was a real thing. If that doesn’t make you want to just give up, then nothing will.

But let’s get down to it. Say what you will about James Cameron, the man knows how to make a film. Everything about this movie is grandiose. From the dress, the language and even the furnishings, there is an attention to detail that was probably not seen in film again until The Lord of the Rings. Everything seen on screen has been made to fit in exactly with the style of the time. And there’s a lot of it. The Titanic was by all accounts a ludicrously expensive vessel, and we certainly see the detail that was put into the sets to convey that sense. The costumes too are totally intricate, with even background characters in detailed outfits. This attention to detail makes the film totally engaging, and keeps the audience completely immersed.

Such detail would nonetheless be useless without a film which is strong in its own right. Titanic has no such worry. Everything about the film is flawless. The cinematography is excellent, with Cameron employing a variety of shooting methods to enhance an experience far beyond what script alone can deliver. Each situation is captured perfectly; the panicked, claustrophobic loneliness of rapidly flooding corridors; the surreal ambience of the upper class sitting and drinking brandy, like pretentious alcohol-dependant dolls, while the crew scrambles to ready lifeboats. We see scenes late in the film that mirror earlier ones, when between them everything has changed. Cameron knows exactly how to create suspense, horror and elation with a skill that few directors possess.

The special effects are outstanding, and merge seamlessly with the real sets. As far as I know Fox Studios didn’t actually sink a gigantic ship full of old timey passengers (although that’s not to say they wouldn’t), but it damn sure looks like it. Combine this with an orchestral score to rival any great epic (Celine Dion notwithstanding) and we’re given a titanic film that is grandiose at every level.

Ok, that one was a little forced.

Ugh… Anyway all these factors make a big difference, with powerful, emotionally charged scenes that could have you smiling or welling up like a flooding stairwell (YES, back on form).

The film is incredibly long, and may be too much for some. There are certainly dozens of scenes that could have been cut from the finished film without compromising the plot. However its long running time allows the film to establish an understanding of the entire social environment aboard the ship. Aside from the main plot of Jack and Rose, we see several small storylines progress alongside them, each contributing to our understanding of the attitudes of the time; the enormous disparity between the upper and lower classes, or the disturbingly archaic gender roles. The length of the film can be difficult for those unused to longer features, but in terms of development of context it adds boatloads to the experience.

The acting is marvellous; not one performance could be called sub-par. DiCaprio and Winslet make an excellent Jack and Rose, but the best performances come from the film’s villains. Frances Fisher plays Rose’s mother Ruth. Rose’s father recently died, leaving behind nothing but bad debts, and Ruth is so concerned with seeing Rose wed to a wealthy gentleman that the true cost to her daughter seems irrelevant. If any ladies out there have a mother pressuring them to find a man (I’m fairly certain my readership isn’t THAT diverse, but let’s pretend), it’s basically that but pre-1920’s. Fisher is fantastic in her portrayal, and is totally convincing.

Billy Zane plays Cal, Rose’s toad of a fiancé. Cal is a spoiled rich guy, a total misogynist, and a self-centred elitist. Rose’s engagement to him puts her in such despair she comes close to suicide, and it’s easy to see why. Cal is a colossal dick. Zane plays the part wonderfully, and we revile Cal from start to finish. For such a great talent I find it astounding that I’ve seen him in no major roles since.

Although he did voice Ansem in Kingdom Hearts, which is pretty awesome.

There is certainly no lack of drama here. Particularly when the ship begins to sink, we reach a point where it becomes a near sure thing that Jack and Rose will find themselves in a jam, only to find some unlikely way out of it at the last minute. I know it’s a film, but the number of times those incidents have to happen to fill a movie this long are pretty implausible. That said, of all the things a film could be accused of, this is by no means the worst.

Besides, if I were one of the characters I’d be far more concerned by the fact that the passengers seem to be actively daring the ship to sink. I mean, what possible reason would you have to mock the boat??

Like any film, we respect everything that’s done so well by politely ignoring the unpleasant issues left behind. One such point would be that the now alarmingly old Rose has been thinking of Jack the least 80-odd years, which is kind of a crappy deal for the father of her children. Another would be that, had Jack made more than one single solitary attempt to climb onto the door, there was clearly room for two. He could’ve done it without tipping it over.

But like I said, we’re not going to point that stuff out.

All in all, Titanic is a powerful love story and an amazing piece of cinema. Whether you like the flick or not, it can’t be denied that this is a masterful film that made a lasting impact on the world of movies. If you’re ready to sit through it in its entirety, this is one that everyone should watch.

But seriously though, it’s really long.

- Rob Ferris, 18/04/2012

Joss Whedon doesn’t do things by the book. Most people who make waves in the entertainment industry don’t. And while I never saw the appeal of shows like Buffy and Angel, I’m among countless others who recognise the incredibly brief run of Firefly as one of the greatest sci-fi shows ever made.

Whatever he works on, you can rest assured that Whedon’s work will always have a certain quality that’s just a bit out there. Or a lot out there. Written by Whedon and directed by Lost’s Dew Goddard, The Cabin in the Woods could not live up to that expectation any more. Just look at who’s involved.

According to the film’s synopsis, it’s about a group of friends who go on a trip to a remote cabin (in the aforementioned woods, we presume), but when  they arrive they get more than they bargained for.

That’s it, that’s all you get. It’s genius really; when you actually watch the movie you have no earthly idea what to expect. That description isn’t even a watered down concept of the film. It’s a watered down concept of the tip of the ridiculous mind-punching acid-trippy iceberg. Giving The Cabin in the Woods a synopsis like “they get more than they bargained for” is less like saying Inception is about dreams, and more like saying it has a gunfight in it. It just doesn’t come close.

So, that leaves me the job of reviewing it while giving away absolutely nothing about the plot. Suffice it to say the storyline is just nuts. The film takes the conventions of horror, sci-fi, thrillers, fantasy and even teen romance bullshit, and throws them all into a blender with a few gnomes of ecstasy just to see what will pop out. And to be honest, I left the cinema not quite knowing what in all hell I had just seen. I just knew I was pretty sure I liked it. And no, that’s not innuendo you swines.

*masturbation joke of your choice here*

In all seriousness, you will absolutely have no idea where this film is going next. It combines aspects of all of the above genres in a way that’s both pumped full of action and extremely funny. It implements different clichés from all those film types and takes the complete piss out of them, while managing to maintain a story that you want to follow. The whole thing is so meta (ugh, I used ‘meta’ as an adjective… I feel dirty), it felt almost like a more horrifying and confusing episode of Community. Perhaps something conjured up in the Dreamatorium.

The acting is pretty average. It’s hard for a cast to give any powerful performances in a film where at any moment they could be eaten by, like, a giant snail or something. Chris Hemsworth has a disappointingly small part, and doesn’t bring nearly the charisma that he does to Thor (to be fair, if Thor were in this things would probably go very differently). The majority of the main cast do a fine job of being freaked out etc., but in general we care about them as little as we do any horror film fodder. Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford both have major roles. I can’t tell you why, but they’re both well suited and are extremely funny.

The star performance is without a doubt Fran Kranz. There are two ways to portray a stoner character. The first is the one which the vast majority of mainstream film producers (who have probably never seen a real stoner) are guilty of. This is the scatterbrained idiot who contributes nothing except stupid dialogue and is utterly unfunny. The other way is the way Kranz does it. Slightly paranoid and almost profound, Kranz’ character Marty is the funniest person on screen. He is witty and observant, with amusing insights that frankly make him the only one of his group with better situational awareness than a toddler.

AND he still manages to pull off the funny stoner bit.

The special effects are top notch, and despite the humour and absurdity, there are still moments of genuine suspense that are really well done. I’m honestly at a loss for what else to say about this film. It’s completely off the wall, but it works. If you’re into films that can poke fun at conventions, take elements from a whole bunch of genres, combine special effects with clever humour and a story you’ll never see coming… well actually, I’m not sure HOW you’d know that. That seems pretty specialised.

Anyway, if that’s your thing then The Cabin in the Woods is the film for you. Just don’t expect to know what the hell is going on.

- Rob Ferris, 17/04/2012

Alright, so here’s the scenario. You see a trailer for a film. It’s got Sigourney Weaver, Bruce Willis and what looks like a fair amount of decent action. Seems pretty straightforward, right? That’s what I thought. And that’s where I was utterly, bewilderingly wrong.

Director Mabrouk El Mechri’s The Cold Light of Day tells the story of Will Shaw (played by Henry Cavill), a business owner visiting his family in Spain. When they get kidnapped, he must retrieve a mysterious briefcase for a shady intelligence agency in order to get them back. Willis and Weaver are the big names here, and it’s easy to see why. They are the only cast members with a big reputation; the rest, aside from Cavill, are virtually unknown.

These two heavy-hitters do predictably well. Willis’ role is surprisingly minor, only appearing briefly as Will’s grumpy father. Weaver is a constant, playing a government agent, and is convincingly enigmatic. She also might be a Terminator, as she seems to be the most unlikely-ly deadly character in the film.

And hell yeah, grammar. That just happened.

In fact, most of the action is a little askew. While there are some undoubtedly cool chases, all of the film’s shootouts look like a blind man’s shooting gallery. Whole spec-ops teams are defeated by a handgun wielding Weavernator and her greasy sidekick. The combat scenarios become so implausible it begs the question of just who the hell is in charge of recruitment for these people.

And you know what? That would be totally fine if that were the only odd thing in this film. Well El Mechri is having none of that. It turns out barely anything in this film makes any sense.

There are car chases that suddenly reverse. And I mean completely switch around; a chase stops for a moment, and then for some reason the pursued party starts chasing their pursuers. In another scene a man has a gunshot wound (which must have been made by a magic bullet since no bullet is present despite him having no exit wound). His wound is cauterised by a searing hot spoon which, you know, has GOT to suck. Apparently though a brief nap is all it takes for him to make a full recovery, so it’s all good.

In fact this film is chock full of thing like this which are totally unbelievable, for absolutely no good god damn reason.

Whatever the cause, it makes the film infuriatingly hard to get into. There’s no immersive quality when at every turn you’re wondering why everybody is acting as unpredictable as a group of drug addicts.

It doesn’t help that the plot seems to have no flow; we move from event to event and are told why through forced dialogue, rather than the story progressing on its own. The action scenes aren’t bad, and there is a sense of drama to the film, but all in all it gets so ridiculous that those things just stop mattering. The only option left, in my opinion, is to ridicule the everloving s**t out of it. Which I totally did.

So to conclude, this is a completely crazy film with some fun action, but absurdity so rampant that it becomes nearly unwatchable. I hope the studio made enough money from the shameless amount of BLATANT product placement in this film (it’s pretty clear that ‘subtlety’ isn’t an option here), because I just can’t see this doing well. Then again, who am I to say what the people want?

Whatever the case I recommend avoiding this one. It looks great in the trailer but turns out to be a huge disappointment…

…(wait for it)…

…in the cold light of day.

- Rob Ferris, 12/04/2012 

Today is Easter Sunday (or Zombie Jesus Day, if you prefer), so this rant comes to you through the nausea of chocolate-gorged immobility. Enjoy.

We Bought a Zoo is a story about Benjamin Mee (played by Matt Damon), a widower who decides to build a new life for himself and his kids, and ends up buying the run down Rosemoor Wildlife Park, because why not?

No, those are literally the exact words he uses. Apparently Benjamin needs no more rationalisation to buy a zoo than he would a KitKat.

Buying the property, Benjamin inherits responsibility for the animals and the zoo itself. He must then face the challenge of making it suitable for reopening, in time for an inspection that will decide the zoo’s fate.

The film is based on the memoirs of the real Benjamin Mee, who really did buy the Dartmoor Zoological Park in Devon, England, and refurbished it (this was shown in the BBC documentary Ben’s Zoo, which is excellent).

As I mentioned in last week’s Hunger Games review, trying to turn a book into a film creates certain constraints. This problem is apparently magnified when it comes to a person’s memoirs, and We Bought a Zoo doesn’t manage at all well.

It sets itself the enormous task of chronicling the repair of the zoo, the development of the characters and their relationships, the upkeep of the animals and the problems of meeting the costs of the venture. In its 123 minute run time, that’s a tall order. The film is all over the place, with director Cameron Crowe trying to cram in what he can to meet all these criteria, and succeeding in none of them.

Seriously, by the end we know almost nothing about most of the characters, and the ones we do know are one dimensional and boring. There’s no opportunity to get to know them and watch them develop, because the film is too busy with all the other things it’s simultaneously trying to cover.

This lack of attention is glaring. A short montage is apparently all it takes to get the zoo in working order, and as far as we know the animals have been feeding themselves in the months that pass between the zoo’s acquisition and its opening. In fact the only obstacle that’s given any real attention is finding money to keep the place afloat, but this is easily solved in a single scene with a deus ex machina so blatant it’s borderline insulting to the audience.

The writing leaves a lot to be desired, but a strong cast carry it well. Damon, Scarlett Johansson and Elle Fanning are all great actors and contribute a lot. Maggie Elizabeth Jones plays Rosie Mee and she’s utterly adorable. John Michael Higgins plays the excellently named Walter Ferris, a zoo inspector who seems more intent on shutting them down than getting them up to code. Ignore for a moment the fact that this doesn’t make any sense, Higgins is as funny as always and contributes a lot. The cast is a big bonus to a film with almost no redeeming qualities.

It seems like the writers couldn’t decide if this was a film for children or adults, and got stuck somewhere in between. With humour aimed squarely at kids, they also attempt to touch on more mature themes without making things heavy. Instead the film skirts around serious points like the uncertain financial future of Ben and his kids. What’s left is a feature that doesn’t quite know what it is, and suffers because of it.

The film shows inconsistency and a total lack of knowledge about proper animal care (sadly this is a missed opportunity for the education of kids about conservation). It is genuinely heartwarming in places, but gets so hammy so often that it seems like the writers use this as a crutch for poor storytelling. All in all We Bought a Zoo was extremely disappointing. For a gripping journey with lessons in wildlife conservation and success through adversity, I recommend saving your money and looking online for Ben’s Zoo instead. You’ll be better off.

- Rob Ferris, 08/04/2012

Anybody even remotely familiar with Greek mythology will know that it’s completely insane. The ancient Greeks gave the world science, mathematics, astronomy, philosophy, democracy and a whole rake of other useful things that end in Y. Despite all this, they had their shortcomings. Like medicine, for example. Greek medicine was pretty appalling. More to the point though is that their idea of morality, specifically religion, was quite terrifyingly insane.

The Greeks had gods for everything, and almost every single one of those gods apparently hated humans with the same fervour that you’d hate a cat who shows up in your house and craps everywhere. Then begs you for food.

Anyway, the point is that the Greeks’ stories were totally outlandishly mental. So, naturally, modern man loves using them in films. And why not? Some of the best films (and video games) come from this f**ked up mess of questionable sanity.

Wrath of the Titans is a sequel to 2010’s Clash of the Titans. With a return of the main cast (basically Sam Worthington and Liam “Kill Everyone for the Laugh” Neeson), the film revisits Perseus (Worthington), the half-mortal son of Zeus (Neeson) in his settled life after the events of Clash. The gods’ power is waning, which would totally be a good thing except that Zeus’ has been captured, his powers stolen to release the titan Kronos from his imprisonment. Kronos is Zeus’ father, the king of the titans, and all things considered, kind of a dick. Releasing him would be equivalent to unleashing a drunk toddler on the Smurfs’ village.

If you saw the first film, chances are you’ll have a good idea what to expect. This is not a brilliant movie. It won‘t win awards, it will never be labelled a classic and it certainly won’t challenge you in any way. It’s all special effects, magical powers, monsters and sword fighting, and I loved it.

Wrath of the Titans follows the same vein as its precursor, staying true to the madness of Greek mythology. For example, whether it’s Perseus, Hades, Kronos or the inexplicably Spanish Ares, everybody’s related in some way. That makes for an unusual family dynamic.

The special effects are brilliant. Impressively horrifying monsters are all over the place, and they look awesome. Pegasus makes a return and he’s as badass as before, because flying horse. The 3D is far better than before, in that the film was actually filmed with 3D cameras rather than slapping it on in post production as they did with Clash. It makes a big difference.

The cast is good. A lot of the written dialogue is woeful, but the actors commit to it and seem to have fun. Worthington is great as the hero, and Neeson as Zeus just works. Despite spending half the film chained up in Tartarus he’s still the boss. Seriously, in one scene he strolls around literally bitch-slapping titans across a battlefield.

The lovely Rosamund Pike plays Queen Andromeda, and she looks hothothothothot in her leather armour. She accompanies Perseus on his quest, so obviously they end up together. It’s established pretty quickly that the two haven’t seen each other in quite a while (since before Perseus’ son, somewhere in his early teens, was born), but the sexual tension is rife within seconds of their reunion. Clearly there’s some history there, but as far as we know Andromeda is one of the few characters not related to Perseus in some way. So at least there’s that.

Danny Huston, Toby Kebbell and Ralph Fiennes all feature, and best of all there is a brief and completely random appearance by Bill Nighy. All these actors are great, and really add to the enjoyment of the movie.

There’s certainly a suspension of disbelief required when it comes to this film, or really just anything from ancient Greece, or really just ancient Greece. What’s great is that this is a fun movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The dialogue can be crap, the story ridiculous and the acting ranging from really good to people who may not know they’re in a film. As with anything Greeky, total chaos is just par for the course. My favourite instance of this came during the aftermath of a chimaera attack on a small village: while people are appropriately terrified, nobody seens to find it THE LEAST BIT STRANGE when it’s over, because ancient Greece.

Depending on what kind of filmgoer you are you will either love Wrath of the Titans or hate it. Personally I can’t help enjoying something so awesomely ridiculous.

May Zeus bless those crazy Greeks.

- Rob Ferris, 04/04/2012

I like books. And because there are so many amazing stories out there, it’s no wonder so many become films. It’s not uncommon, but every now and then a film will be made about a wildly popular series and people will go apeshit to go and see it. It happened with Harry Potter (which I like), The Lord of the Rings (I love), and even, reprehensibly, The Twilight Saga (LOATHE entirely). The latest adaptation of a hit series is The Hunger Games, and it has had one hell of a launch.

I haven’t read any of The Hunger Games books yet, so I can’t compare the film. I intend to read them, eventually.  But that’s irrelevant. Let’s talk about the movie.

For those of you who don’t know, The Hunger Games is set in the future ruins of North America, which has been reformed into the nation of Panem. The country is divided into twelve districts, all subjugated by the wealthy, living in the capital. Every year a boy and a girl are selected from each district to compete in the Hunger Games (so named because the more a person applies to compete, the more food they are given), which is basically a big ass fight to the death. The winner is rewarded with riches and free hot dogs and whatnot.

Jennifer Lawrence plays Katniss Everdeen, the protagonist. When Katniss’ sister is selected for the games, Katniss volunteers herself instead. She must compete, and win, or die in the arena. It’s basically Batoru Rowaiaru (or Battle Royale), but, you know, hungrier. And less Japanese. WAY less.

Wait for it…

That means the film is infinitely less gratuitous in its violence. It’s also far less batcrap crazy. The first half of the film is just establishing the concept and characters, so it’s a while before we see any action. For the most part, the violence is pretty tame. Compared to other such films it’s nothing at all, but that doesn’t make it boring. The stakes are high and this is definitely a film that drags you in. One big problem was the use of too much up close shaky-cam shooting, which made some fight scenes very difficult to follow. A little movement in the camera can help add to a scene, but not if the audience can’t see what’s going on.

The film is extremely well put together. The special effects are fantastic, and the weird taste of the people of Panem are given great detail, all creating an immersive feel. With the eccentric, colourful styles and the thirst for crazy arena death matches, the whole place has a very Roman feel to it.

Blood-violence is at a minimum, but that doesn’t mean there’s no action. What fighting there was was really good, but a lot of time is spent on the romantic back story which takes place primarily in a cave. And that’s boring. I understand it’s probably integral to the story, and that the film has to draw from the book, but a movie has nothing like the time for plot development that a book has. It felt like this film was trying to cram in what it could instead of finding a better way to get the same result. All that screen time could have been saved for something far more exciting.

The cast is excellent, in both main and supporting roles. Lawrence is really good. Her character is very strong-silent, and certainly doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve. Lawrence takes this and still manages to make Katniss an interesting character that you root for. That’s not easy. She’s supported by Josh Hutcherson. He’s good, not great, but holds his own. The Panem president is played by the ever brilliant Donald Sutherland. He has a comparatively small role, but makes it his own. His screen presence is amazing.

My personal favourites of this film are Elizabeth Banks and Woody Harrelson. Banks plays District 12’s representative-type-lady. She is from the wealthy capital, and has no idea of the suffering of the Games. She shares the same eclectic, very purple style of the rest of the wealthy, and comes across as the same type of insane as Dolores Umbridge in Harry Potter, only ditsy instead of sociopathic. Banks is totally flawless and believable, and it’s a shame she’s seen so little after the film’s halfway point.

Harrelson plays Haymitch, a previous winner and District 12’s mentor. A sad alcoholic, he quickly gets his shit together and begins seriously helping Katniss when he realises she might actually stand a chance of not dying horribly. Harrelson gives a great show, and despite an oddly rapid recovery from being perpetually tanked, he evolves into a central character.

As films go, this one is really good. With two more books in the series, I’ll definitely be seeing the other two. The romance is obviously central to the plot, but if it’s managed well it will make for an excellent series. As for this film, it has action, drama and a fantastic cast. I’m happy to say The Hunger Games lived up to its hype.

- Rob Ferris, 04/04/2012